Moira Baptist Church
Sometimes
a smile helps
church
smiles
Back
pews
A
rich man went to his Pastor and said, "I want you and your
wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense.
When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The
Pastor accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the
Middle East.
Three
months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy
member, who told them that while they were gone, he had had
a new church built. "It's the finest building money can
buy, Pastor," said the man. "No expense was spared."
And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside
and in.
But
there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and
it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?"
asked the Pastor.
"You
just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When
the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered
the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew
was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears
meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began
to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it
came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up
from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued,
pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was
full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!"
said the Pastor, "Marvellous!"
The
service began, and the Pastor started to preach his sermon.
He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was
still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang,
and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!"
said the congregation, "Marvellous!"
Hymns.
The Dentist's Hymn.............Crown Him With Many Crowns
The
Weatherman's Hymn....There shall be showers of Blessing
The
Contractor's Hymn.......The Church's One Foundation
The
Tailor's Hymn...............Holy, Holy, Holy
The
Golfer's Hymn..............There is A Green Hill Far Away
The
Politician's Hymn..........Standing on the Promises
The
Optometrist's Hymn.....Open My Eyes That I might See
The
IRS Agent's Hymn.......I Surrender All
The
Gossip's Hymn.............Pass It On
The
Electrician's Hymn........Send the Light
The
Shopper's Hymn...........Sweet By and By
Hymns
for those who speed on the motorway :
45
mph.................God Will Take Care of You
55
mph.................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65
mph.................Nearer My God to Thee
75
mph.................Nearer Still Nearer
85
mph.................This World Is Not My Home
95
mph.................Lord, I'm Coming Home
and
over 100 mph.......Precious Memories
Church
Music
An
old farmer goes to the city one weekend and attends the big city
church. He comes home and his wife asks him how it was. "Well,"
says the farmer, "It was good. They did something different,
however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns." "Praise
choruses," says the wife, "What are those?" "Oh,
they're ok. They're sort of like hymns, only different," says
the farmer. "Well, what's the difference?" asks his wife.
The farmer says, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to
you: 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well, that would be a hymn.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Martha,
Martha, Martha,
Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA.
The cows,
the big cows,
the brown cows,
the black cows,
the white cows,
the black and white cows
the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn,
are in the corn,
are in the corn,
are in the corn,
the CORN,CORN, CORN.'
then
if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that
would be a praise chorus."
The
same Sunday, a young, new Christian from the city attends the small
town church. He returns home and his wife asks how it was. "Well,"
says the young man, "It was good. They did something different,
however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs." "Hymns,"
says his wife, "What are those?" "Oh, they're ok.
They're sort of like regular songs, only different." says the
young man. "What's the difference?" asks the wife. The
young man says, "Well, It's like this - If I were to say to
you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' that would be a regular
song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:
Oh
Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wonderous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
For
the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense.
Hearkenest they in God's sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
Yea
those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwick sweet corn have chewed.
So
look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.
Then,
if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change
on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."
Choosing
appropriate hymns
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervour:
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw
it into the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw
it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd
take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation
cried, "Hallelujah!"
The
preacher sat down. The song leader stood up very tentatively and
announced: "For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall
we gather at the River.'"
FROM THE CHURCH BULLETIN:
1.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir
2.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
3. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
4.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have
a nursery downstairs.
5.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
Bear
with me.
An
atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
accident of evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge
toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over
his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster,
so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was
pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped
and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top
of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right
paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh
my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others
I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do
you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light:
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat
me as a Christian
now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord,
for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
A Baptist dog?
A
strong Baptist family decided to buy a dog. They went to a petshop
to look for a Baptist dog. They asked the owner, "Do you have
a Baptist dog?"
Surprised,
the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded,
saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your
description."
So
the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said,
"Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father
said to the dog, "Go get a Bible." And the dog ran over
to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and
plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed,
the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books
of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23". The dog then opened the
Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very
pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next
day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist
dog and the things it could do. Finally, the friends asked, "Well,
can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"
The
Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've
never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel." Suddenly
the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's
head and started to pray.
"Wait
a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't
Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"
Let Our Requests Be Known
By Donna Kay Heath
Service had started, and the minister began his sermon in our
small country church in southeastern North Carolina. Everyone's
attention was on the intense words being delivered to us that
would feed us for the week and enlighten us on God's word.
Because our church was so small, there was no nursery. This gave
me the privilege of having my active three-year-old daughter sit
with her father and me. Along with being active, Tammie had a
gift for words - that is, speaking them - and had not yet mastered
the art of understanding that quietness was of the utmost importance
in church, especially when the Sunday morning sermon was being
delivered!
After many admonishments to be quiet, Tammie's father picked her
up to take her outside for a little conference. This was not the
first time such an event had taken place, and she understood its
significance. She also obviously understood the significance of
prayer! For as her father picked her up and was walking down the
aisle to carry her outside, Tammie reached over his shoulders
with her arms outstretched to the congregation and the minister.
She then proceeded to call out to all who would listen, "Ya'll
pray for me!" Needless to say, it was a few minutes later
before we could get back on track with the sermon.
Guess it proves we are never too young to "let our requests
be known"!
And
one about ourselves in Ireland
A
Russian scientist was digging about a 100 feet down in Siberia
when he came across some copper wires, Pravda immediately trumpeted
how the Russians had a telephone system long before anyone else.
Not
to be outdone, a U.S. scientist dug 200 feet under Alaska and
found optical fibre cables, the New York Post then boasted how
the USA had high tech digital telephones long before the Russians
had ordinary phones.
An
Irish scientist dug down 400 feet under County Cork and found
absolutely nothing, the Irish press went wild announcing that
the Irish had mobile phones long before anyone else had anything!
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